Yesterday all I could feel was the cruelty and unfairness of this life we live. I woke up feeling it. Later in the day, I heard news of  a family member that broke my heart. Our estrangement makes it impossible to reach out. Grief is just love with no where to go.

Today, I am choosing to see the beauty in this world. Is it not such a mix? It is about choice. Choosing to see the beauty, amongst the cruelty and loving it.

Love to you all.

Are we listening?

Are we listening? Some are out of fear, some have welcomed the quiet, some are rebelling, keeping their doors open. Of course we are scared, have needed the quiet and want to argue that this isn’t happening, no not to me.

Those who want to believe they are in control are rattled, holding onto their believe system even harder than before. Some of us just want all to be forgiven and love even harder.

Excerpt from The Final Frontier

This morning, I read from One Long River of Song, Notes on Wonder. It is a wonder to read exactly what one needs to hear at just the right time. It is a wonder that some , namely Brian Doyle, here, are able to put in words what is called for. I share with you in the event you may need to read this as well.

Excerpt from The Final Frontier by Brian Doyle

Of course you do your absolute best to find and hone and wield your divine gifts against the dark. You do your best to reach out tenderly to touch and elevate as many people as you can reach. You bring your naked love and defiant courage and salty grace to bear as much as you can, with all the attentiveness and humor you can muster. This life after all a miracle and we ought to pay fierce attention every moment, as much as possible.

But you can not control anything. You cannot order or command everything. You cannot fix and repair everything. You cannot protect your children from pain and loss and tragedy and illness. You cannot be sure you will always be married, let alone happily married. You cannot be sure you will always be employed, or healthy, or relatively sane.

All you can do is face the world with quiet grace and hope you make a sliver of difference. Humility does not mean self-abnegation, lassitude, detachment; it’s more calm recognition that you must trust in that which does not make sense, that which is unreasonable, illogical, silly, ridiculous, crazy by the measure of most of our culture. You must trust the you being the best possible you matters somehow. That trying to be an honest and tender parent will echo for centuries through your tribe. That doing your chosen work with creativity and diligence will shiver people far beyond your ken. That being an attentive and generous friend and citizen will prevent a thread or two of the social fabric from unraveling. And you must do all of this with the certain knowledge that you will never get proper credit for it, and in fact the vast majority of things you do right will go utterly unremarked. Humility, the final frontier, as my brother Kevin used to say. When we are young we build a self, a persona, a story in which to reside, or several selves in succession, or several at once, sometimes; when we are older we take on other roles and personas, other masks and duties; and you and I both know men and women who become trapped in the selves they worked so hard to build, so desperately imprisoned that sometimes they smash their lives simply to escape who they no longer wish to be; but finally, I think, if we are lucky, if we read the book of pain and loss with humility, we realize that we are all broken and small and brief, that none amongst us is ultimately more vulnerable or rich or famous or beautiful that another; and then, perhaps, we begin to understand something deep and true about humility.

That is what I know: that the small is huge, that the tiny is vast, that pain is part and parcel of the gift of joy, and that this is love, and then there is everything else. You either walk toward love or away from it with every breath you draw. Humility is the road to love. Humility, maybe, is love. That could be. I wouldn’t know; I’m a muddle and a conundrum shuffling slowly along the road, gaping in wonder, trying to see and say what is, trying to leave shreds and shards of ego along the road like wisps of litter and chaff.

How’s everybody?

Last night, my musician friend, hosted a live performance via facebook. I was able to invite friends to the “party”. For about an hour, I was able to imagine us sitting in a public place and feel the connection the music created. Then it was back to Netflix, along with a little ice cream.

This morning I am hesitant to go on social media. I need a break from some of the information on there, but it was such a treat in these times to have a party last night.

I have been humbled. The earth seems a little more pleased with how things are. When we get back to daily lives, I do hope we remain mindful of this time, and not take all we do have for granted.

A few months before social distancing, I was in a group doing Contemplative collage. A method used to help create writing prompts. It reveals symbols and insight. Thank goodness I have a stack of National geographic. This afternoon, our group is sharing via conference call. I’ll share my latest collage.

What are you doing to find peace as of late?


2 Years Later

Just over 2 years ago, I traveled to El Pescadero, Baja with the thought of living there and managing my nephew’s vacation home. It’s taken this long to have all the construction and finishes touches done. It’s beautiful and available to rent now via me, Airbnb and VRBO. 

From this: E895EDCA-9E3F-41B3-AEF7-0EFCF2D44041

To this: 7C0B05E1-D385-4E4C-ACA3-A2DB251C39C1

I’m not living there but managing reservations from afar. I’ve enjoyed building the rental sites, getting Casa de Savannah on google maps and communicating with renters. A couple of people have asked about the possibility of holding a wedding there. A wedding planner is visiting the casa later in April to see if it is suitable.

Check it out: Casa de Savannah Airbnb 

Casa de Savannah Facebook

Journey to Baja #2

The journey back to Baja has begun. Last week I drove from Missoula to Eugene with a stop for the day in Portland. My dear friend LeBrie and I meet at  Por Que No Taqueria for fish tacos, people watching and good laughs. LeBrie currently has an art show up of her felt creations like no other at Wolff Gallery . The gallery was closed on the day I was there. Since I’m in Oregon for 6 weeks, a trip back to Portland is in the works to see the show before it closes.

It’s a beautiful time of year to be in Oregon. It’s still green with fall colors happening and a bounty of late-blooming fruits. There is not a lack of fun things to do and good friends to do them with. In a couple of weeks a group of us are gathering to go about town in Eugene creating public art. Details to come. Yesterday, my plan was to drive up to Waldo Lake , one of the largest natural lakes in Oregon. However, I spotted a creative writing class that started last night. I made the choice to sign up. Waldo Lake is calling too. I’ve never been there but will answer the call this month.

My first snafu of this journey was last night. Parking is scarce downtown so I parked  in the parking garage below the library. After class, a classmate and I walked to our cars together. The garage door had been closed for the night. It never occurred to me that would happen! Jackie, classmate, drove me home. This morning a friend drove me back to the library. I’ll be contributing $17 to the City of Eugene for the parking ticket. It gave me pause to think of some of my snafus this year (such as 4 different flat tires). Each time, I was in a safe place, there was always someone who felt like an angel show up to help. Lesson: stay calm, it always works out and there is always dessert at Sweet Life



Foot propped up.

Just hanging out with my foot propped up. Surgery went well last Thursday, the tendon is repaired. Wendy is taking such good care of me and we are eating well. Will have 6 weeks of no weight on this foot. The good news is I have one of those scooters and it has a basket! Last night I watched, The Shape of Water . Was skeptical in the beginning. Today, I realize it is sticking with me as I think of the beauty of it. The sun is shining today, we will plant seeds in the garden. I can sit on the deck and plant in pots.

Next week I have a cat/house sit near the University for most of May. It would be lovely to have visitors if you are in the area. I’m in inquiry each day as to what may come next, staying open and trusting.

My grandchildren turned 4 on Sunday, Earth Day. I sent them big kisses and hugs from afar.



The journey continues

Got to my friend, Wendy’s last night. Slept hard and slept in.

I highly recommend a visit to Lava Hot Springs and Riverside Inn is a step back in time place to stay, with hot springs in the hotel as well as a good restaurant. The town of Lava Hot Springs has a population of just over 400 people. Since I was sick, it was such a comfort to be there, soak, eat and rest. It was my last and perfect last place to stay on this journey. Especially after the diametric stay in Las Vegas at the Tropicana It had been over 20 years since my last visit to Las Vegas. At that time, it was a great, cheap and fun stop over on a road trip. Not anymore, hotels are expensive, the food was outrageously expensive and the coffee I ordered in the morning tasted like warm water. So in my book, Las Vegas is a total rip off. Yes, I played some of the slot machines and won nothing.

I’m thankful for the opportunity to have had this journey. Thankful for some of the new friends I made, to have made the journey safely and that my nephew and I  learned that this not the time for me to move there and we still love each other. And who knows. I certainly don’t. What’s next?! Well, I’ll have this ankle surgery, use the 6 weeks of recovery time to job hunt and contemplate what might be the next best thing. I plan to look for opportunities in Missoula and Eugene at least.

The title of this blog stemmed from a year and half of being in shock from the lose of my relationship with my daughter and grandchildren and after attempts to make amends with no response while being blocked from her email, phone, etc. Hence, “fuck it”.  In spite of trying on this title, I still care. The grief over a person who is still alive is complicated, many layered and full of unresolve. It’s with me everyday, not as intensely. I still dream of a miracle. Meantime, the journey continues.

Back in the USA

Crossed the border day a couple of days ago. Had a night in San Felipe before that for last sights of the Sea of Cortez and my favorite fish taco. The potholes before that were bad but there was a short little caravan of cars all going slow so it felt somewhat safe. Woke up in San Felipe with a sore throat, running nose, etc. I did manage to get across the border with a night in Blythe, CA, then Las Vegas. Yesterday I was feeling awful so only went a few hours to Mesquite, NV. Bought some NyQuil and slept 10 hours. Tonight, I’ll stay in Lava Hot Springs, ID for a nice soak.

See you soon Missoula.


Potholes and dirt highway coming soon!

A couple of uneventful days on the road. That’s good. Leaving Guerrero Negro soon and will be going through the pot hole section as well as 20 miles of dirt highway. Tonight, I will reward myself with a stay at The Sand Dollar in San Felipe. It was my first stay on the way down, right on the sea of Cortez. The last 2 hotels I stayed in claimed they had internet, but it didn’t work in either, hence no word from the journey. By the way, enjoying The Alice Network very much.

Talk to you soon.