I’m going shopping today for a new journal, one to use for Suleika Jaouad’s 30 day journaling project beginning on April 1st. Through cancer treatment and since I’ve written some but not much. I miss it. I miss how writing brings me into the present, brings awareness, insights and healing.
I’m finally reading Suleika’s memoir, Between Two Kingdoms, after a friend sent it to me. She shares her journey with leukemia as well as her writing practice through it all. It’s all speaking to me. I am committed to her journaling project. Mornings first thing, with coffee of course, will be the time I put aside before distractions of the day keep me from writing.
If journaling with daily prompts appeals to you may sign up at The Isolation Journals. The cost is $6.00 per month.
Meantime, I did have an article accepted with Next Avenue sharing my diagnoses with anal cancer, how anal cancer is on the rise. March is colorectal cancer awareness month so the timing was right. I’ll let you know when it’s published.
No longer avoiding a secret subject
Trigger warning – reference to sexual assault
I’ve been thinking about how I’ve never talked about being sexual assaulted. Shame kept me quiet, as if I should have known better than to put myself in both situations. It’s on my mind after watching She Said, a movie that left me feeling empowered by the women who came forward with the truth. In 2017, New Times reporters, Jodi Kantor and Megan Twohey wrote a piece revealing accounts of women who had been sexually abused by Harvey Weinstein. After the article 82 more women came forward with their own allegations against Weinstein. The women had waited years to be heard and validated.
I have lived with the secret of sexual assault for 40 years. There won’t be any justice served for my perpetrators. One is no longer living.
“We have been discouraged from writing about it because it makes people uncomfortable. Because a patriarchal society wants its victims to be silent. Because shame is an effective method of silencing.” Melissa Febos, Body Work
I was twenty when my cousin fourteen years my elder, a counselor, invited me over with the pretense of offering me comfort. My long-term boyfriend and I had broken up. On his couch, he offered me condolences while rubbing my back. That’s my last conscience memory before pulling my pants back on and leaving. Many years later an ex-girlfriend of his told me she had been sexually abused by him and that he was very sick sexually. I’m sure in his case there are others.
It’s typical to not remember, to dissociate during any traumatic event. Glennon Doyle and Sarah Polley discuss this in the March 1. 2023 episode of We Can Do Hard Things. Sarah Polley wrote and directed Women Talking. It’s very well done.
Ironically, eight years later, that cousin’s sister introduced me to her out of town friend while out at a local restaurant bar. By the end of the evening, he extended an invitation to dinner. I beat myself up for saying yes, I wasn’t that comfortable with him. The next night while my parents watched my daughter, he took me to the nicest restaurant in town. Of course, when he took me home, he offered to see me in. It was quick and furious, and he was out the door.
I was in shock after both incidences, never spoke to anyone about it. I locked the trauma away sometimes drinking to numb the horror when I would remember the incidences. I lost trust in myself; I hadn’t paid attention to my intuition. Melancholy loomed like a cloud.
Hearing others speak out in reported pieces, movies, books, etc. has given me courage to do the same. It helps me understand I am not to blame. I have suffered and I have recovered.
“What I have observed is that avoiding a secret subject can be its own kind of bondage.” Melissa Febos, Body Work
Thank goodness for the Big Sky Documentary Film Fest
Well, trip to Santa Monica was cancelled. My friend has Covid. She sounds like she has a pretty bad case of it. Of course, we are both disappointed as we had this planned for a while now. Hopefully, she’ll be able to be around family for her birthday this weekend.
We will make plans for a future trip. The weather down there is not great, in the forties, raining with gust warnings. It wouldn’t have been the trip we wanted it to be anyway.
On the bright side, I was able to say yes to babysitting for today. Also, the Big Sky Documentary Film Fest is going on all week in Missoula. I signed up for volunteer shifts and look forward to the films. Several are virtual. Check them out, you may find something that appeals to you.
Especially looking forward to the documentary on Ivan Doig (not available to stream). With temperatures in the single digits for the next couple of days, films are just the ticket!
That’s the quick update. Thanks for reading and stay flexible.
Back to the Land of the Living
I continue to feel better and better, as if entering the land of the living after several years. Covid, isolation, grief and cancer have taken up much of my head space.
This morning I had my port removed in what I call a drive thru procedure. In choosing not to have anesthesia, only numbing of the area, there was no waiting an hour afterwards. I was able to drive myself, run a few errands afterwards and was home by 10:00 AM.
Next week I fly to Santa Monica, to warmth, the ocean and a dear friend to celebrate being cancer free.
All that remains is a re-check for cancer every three months.
My wish to care for babies has come to fruition, babysitting occasionally for a couple of different families. Pet sitting is busy with a couple of trips for myself planned.
What’s in store for this blog? That remains to be seen. It’s purpose has evolved, starting as a way to keep friends informed of my drive to Baja. When isolation hit, it was a way to share and stay in community virtually. Then as a way to keep folks informed of cancer treatment and recovery.
Stay tuned.
Thanks for reading.
I Love That I Ran Into You
( A Snippet on Running Into an Old Flame)
I love that I ran into you, that you have moved back to town.
I love our weekly outings: coffee dates, a stroll in the woods, dinner and/or a movie, our conversations.
I love that you looked me in the eye and apologized for your past dishonesty and I accepted and told you we wouldn’t be sitting together if I didn’t believe you were sincere.
I love that you brought dinner and presents over on Christmas eve.
I love our capacity to have fun together, to have meaningful conversations.
I love our shared past, the magical walks during movie perfect snowfall, our travels, slow mornings, and the time in between before it was time to cook dinner together.
I love that I have come to love my autonomy in the six years since I was with you, that I am not interested in romance or partnership.
I love that I love you and you love me.
I love our companionship.
Cancer Free!
It’s confirmed, I’m cancer free.
I only have to go every three months to get checked for awhile.
At the beginning of the year, the New York Times Well section created a 7-day happiness challenge. “For over 80 years researchers at Harvard have studied what makes for a good life. They found one surefire scientifically proven predictor of happiness: developing warmer relationships.” To sum it up, each day suggested an opportunity to nurture new and existing relationships: make the phone call, talk to strangers, share a living eulogy by writing to someone who has meant a lot to you, make friends at work, keep social engagements, identify areas in your life where you’d like to be more connected and keep going.
Another source of inspiration has been the How to Build a Happy Life podcast from The Atlantic.
I’m convinced community is what got me through cancer treatment and recovery. Friends came out of the woodwork from as far back as elementary school, ex co-workers, and pet sitting clients who are now dear friends. Honestly, I’m missing the daily interactions of friends calling, bringing food and staying for a visit. I even miss the gang who administered radiation (not the radiation!) each day, hearing about their kids, telling jokes and what they did over the weekend.
No doubt I am a people person. Although I do like my alone time the older I get. I need it to refuel. Partnership is not what I’m looking for, I love my autonomy. “That party’s over” as a friend once said. Community and purpose are what I’m looking for.
A friend texted me the other day, “what is bringing you joy these days?”
“Good question” I replied. That has been on my mind and now it’s time to get back to joy.
It’s time to play with friends, help others. I’m actively looking into volunteer opportunities with children, really I want to hold babies. Someone has connected me with a new mother who would like me to come do just that.
I’m lucky to have several pet sitting gigs on the calendar and a trip to Santa Monica in February to stay with a long time friend from high school.
Today I feel lucky, thankful for my health and warm friendships.
Love to all and thanks for reading.
Why I Pet Sit
I don’t want to get up
there’s one against my thigh
another at my feet
and something warm behind my knee
They follow me where ever I go
to the bathroom, definitely to the kitchen
my meals have a close audience of three
it’s never just me
I wouldn’t have it any other way
for the two weeks with this pack of three
and their two kitty housemates
this is why I do what I do
Christmas and New Year’s
True to form, I tried to pretend Christmas was just another day. After getting the dog I was caring for out for a walk, I streamed the newest season (all ten episodes) of Emily in Paris on Netflix. It’s mindless, actually kinda silly, the clothes are outrageous but it was perfect for the situation.
I’m happy to be pet sitting regularly again, a sign of healing progress. A client has already booked me for December, 2023!
I still don’t have an appetite and have to make myself eat something. In talking with a friend who went through chemo/radiation she had the same experience. She lost weight after treatment. She assured me it will get better. My energy has improved, maybe a result of acupuncture. Acupuncturist continues to work on digestive issues.
We are on the heels of 2023. I’m not one to make resolutions. However, I am contemplating where I will place my attention in the coming year. This past year I was derailed by the legal process in an attempt to see my grandchildren again, then anal cancer. Certainly the two go hand in hand. 2021 I almost finished my memoir. 2022 I had no energy for it. My hope for 2023 is to complete the last few chapters.
I’ve signed up for my first in person writing class since Covid, Big Truths in Small Spaces through the Missoula Writing Collaborative taught by Barry Maxwell. I’m mainly nervous that is a 6:00 in the evening class. I’ve been falling asleep at 7:30 most nights since treatment. So wish me luck.
New Year’s Day I’ll be at the hotel (no pet sitting) cooking black-eyed peas for good luck and collard greens for prosperity. House mates will gather to share a meal and start the year off on a good note.
Happy New Year
Thanks for reading.
Essay Came Out at Insider
It’s -15 degrees with a wind chill of -30. I’m going nowhere today. Thankful to be in between pet sits for a couple of days at home, snuggling with Brenda the cat. A house mate came home with lots of food from his work (a grocery store) ground beef and spaghetti included. I volunteered to make a pot of spaghetti today. It’s my kind of day; cooking, reading and not going out in the cold.
Tomorrow, temps will start to warm up considerably and I’ll be with a great dog in a great house for the weekend, sharing a meal with a friend on Christmas Eve.
I mainly wanted to share with you, my essay that came out in Insider yesterday.
https://www.insider.com/woman-is-estranged-from-her-only-child-doesnt-celebrate-christmas-2022-12
I do hope you have a peaceful safe holiday.
Thanks for reading.
How We Think and Talk about Suicide
The news of tWitch’s suicide this week was surprising. I thought he had it all, a career, beautiful wife and three children. I was an Ellen DeGeneres show watcher. At 4:00 I was ready to sit down for a bit, maybe have some popcorn. It always made me happy, all the things she did to help others. tWitch was Ellen’s side kick on the show, an amazing dancer, always, smiling. I remember his wife coming on the show, dancing with him. I remember the birth of their last child. But what we never know is what is going on inside someone’s head, which is where most of us live.
This morning I came across a CNN Opinion piece by Mel Robbins about tWitch and our views of suicide. She hit the nail on the head. I hope you read it. People who commit suicide aren’t selfish. They may not want to end their life but they want the pain to end, whatever the source of that pain: mental illness or situational.
I know this as someone who has attempted suicide and lost my daddy to suicide. After I attempted suicide, I went to a therapist, the late Jon Garlinghouse, who specialized in suicide. I asked him, “Why did I go to this place.” “It was an option that provided relief” he wisely told me. It was true, I was so tired of the pain resulting from the end of relationship, I wanted relief, I wanted the pain to end.
I remember in a writing class, I once wrote and shared about my daddy’s suicide. A classmate spoke up, declaring I should be mad at my father for doing this to me. What she said pissed me off. I had watched my father struggle all his life with his mental illness and alcoholism. He was tired damn it and I understood that. I was mostly sad that my daddy had suffered so much pain, that it got bad enough he wanted it to end.
As Mel states, “This is why I feel so adamant that we change the way we think and talk about suicide. Saying this is selfish or the fault of the victim is simply ignorant and tremendously hurtful to family members who loved someone who lost their battle.”
https://www.cnn.com/2022/12/16/opinions/twitch-suicide-be-kind-robbins/index.html
https://www.cnn.com/2022/12/14/entertainment/stephen-boss-twitch-dead/index.html
Fscottwrites 