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Burn some things

Oh how I wish I didn’t care that my oldest sister just came west to visit my other sister (we live in the same town) and didn’t contact me.
I wish I didn’t care that she also went to see my daughter and grandchildren.
I wish I didn’t care that there have been trips planned that excluded me.
I wish I didn’t care that we don’t talk or text ever, not on birthdays or holidays, never.
If I didn’t care, maybe the hurt would go away.

I wish I didn’t care that they think my ex-husband is the greatest thing since slice bread. That they think I’m terrible for breaking up our marriage and put my daughter through a divorce. I stayed with him much longer than I should have, because I didn’t want to break up our family. They don’t know what went on behind closed doors. They don’t want to hear ugly stories, try to understand, it’s easier to just pretend I don’t exist.

Tonight I listened to Moth Radio, rooted in the past. Inspired by Craig Mangnum
and his story of breaking away from the Morman church, I thinks it’s time to burn some things.

Thanks for reading. It’s not always flowers and butterflies.

Mother daughter relationships

Mothers are either glorified or blamed, the job description is almost impossible to live up to, daughters are often angry at their mother and don’t know their mother’s history before they came into the world. It’s hard for daughters to come to a place of compassion, without realizing their mother had a whole complicated life before they came into the world.
What happens without healthy dialog? Stories and diagnosis are often created.
My daughter and family certainly have a story and have diagnosed me. And there is no dialog. I’ve tried, but it seems their story and diagnosis of me is serving them somehow.
We weren’t taught how to have hard conversations, how to listen in order to understand.
This is some of what I gleaned from listening to this conversation with Harriet Lerner and Sheleana Aiyana

Navigating mother/daughter relationships with Harriet Lerner

I remain open to miracles, healthy dialog with a willingness to own up to my part and with compassionate listening from all parties involved.

Thanks Wendy for sharing this youtube.
And thanks as always to all who read this.

Writing in lists

Getting ready to meet virtually with my writing group. We are writing lists. Each week has a series of lists to complete. I’ve been so surprised by this process. Our group has really gotten close because we have learned so much about each other from our lists. Some lists have served as prompts for essay writing. As we say, “anyone can make a list”.

A couple of lists for this week:

Things you’d tell your 21 year old self:
1. Don’t get married, at least not for many years. Make sure he is a good man.
2. Don’t drink.
3. Study, follow your interest, your passions.
4. Learn the craft of writing.
5. Recognize what you and Tayloe (high school, college sweetheart) had was remarkable. Pregnancy and abortion were too painful for our young hearts.
6. Don’t try so hard to fit into the family, find your own way.

Things that scare you less as you get older:
1. Dying
2. Speaking up
3. Driving alone to Baja, having a flat tire in the middle of nowhere.
4. Problems
5. Mice, just a little less scared of them.
6. Anger
7. Emotions
8. What others think of me.

You get the idea.

Thanks for reading.

Petitions and sweet listen

Links to some petitions that are close to my heart. Click and sign if they are close for you too.

Divest police ACLU Petition

Expand Voting Excess Petition

Move-on vote by mail petition

Change.org vote by mail petition

Stop building of wall on native American land

And a nice listening treat: Tank and The Bangas, What the World Needs Now

Good trouble

We sure did lose a good one last night, Congressman John Lewis. I had just listened to an interview about the new documentary on him, John Lewis, NPR
Once in Jackson, MS, he was arrested for using a white restroom. In his mug shot you can see a little smile on his face, as he knew he was going to continue to make some good trouble. Remembering his arrest
John Lewis, documentary trailer

This news came out as I was scrolling through Twitter. Author, Susan Orlean, The Orchid Thief, starting tweeting after a few drinks. Susan Orlean on Twitter It became quite humorous, tweeting she needed candy, her cat, etc. Her followers were entertained and yes a little concerned. I found myself giggling and followers were commenting that her thread was bringing some much needed lightness to the world. Tells you something about our world if we are finding relief in following someone’s drunken tweets. Then the news of John Lewis’s death, then time for bed.

It’s a new day. Let’s all go get into some good and necessary trouble!
“Do not get lost in a sea of despair. Be hopeful, be optimistic. Our struggle is not the struggle of a day, a week, a month, or a year, it is the struggle of a lifetime. Never, ever be afraid to make some noise and get in good trouble, necessary trouble.”-John Lewis

A New Mississippi

Remember, my grandfather was partly responsible for committing Clennon King Jr., a black man, to Whitfield, the Mississippi mental institution due to Clennon’s attempt to enroll at the University of Mississippi. That was in 1958.

In 1962, James Meredith became the first black man to enroll at the University of Mississippi. In December 1962, Bob Dylan recorded the song “Oxford Town” about him. At the time, Dylan was still an up-and-coming musician and Meredith was one of the most hated and admired men in America.

He went down to Oxford Town
Guns and clubs followed him down
All because his face was brown
Better get away from Oxford Town

Meredith is alive today and lives in Jackson, MS with his wife, Judy. This article tells more of their journey, A New Mississippi
If you haven’t heard the blues song he refers to in the article, take a listen: Shake Your Money Maker

Let’s keep fighting for justice!

A Place like Mississippi

My connection to Mississippi as the place I was born and raised has been revealing on many levels as of late. I never felt like I belonged there. Most of the women had blond straight hair and always looked so put together. My hair was brown, wavy and frizzy and I didn’t make looking put together a priority. Like the chairs in my relative’s house that look great but are painful to sit in, there was pain. Any trauma experiences are and were brushed aside, as it’s too ugly to look at and uncomfortable to talk about. Hence, drinking, numbing. I was shamed by a family member for speaking about being raped by my first cousin. In listening to Laurie Halse Anderson’s Shout , I realize how much I suppressed and how unhealthy it has been.
Much of what Gillian May writes in this essay rings true with my own relationship with alcohol. I’ll be 3 years sober in August.
Alcoholic shame

I’ll continue on the path of learning and healing for myself and our world. This episode from Radiolab tells the story of Mississippi’s past, the removal of the Confederate flag and the search for a new one. Shout out to Kiese Laymon, author of Heavy, An American Memoir and Laurin Stennis
Radiolab Podcast: The Flag and the Fury

As always thanks for reading.

Someone to tell it to

Not headed out yet. The dolphin has problems, basically needs a new engine. I’ve been taking this news in stride. Now I know it’s time to say goodbye to her. I’m a member of a Dolphin group on Facebook. Someone on there is interested in buying her. He and I should be having a conversation today to discuss details and if that can be a reality. Plan B is to rent a U haul in order to move the rest of my stuff to Eugene. The bright side is that I have no time commitments, otherwise I would be much more rattled. I am tired though and look forward to being settled when that happens.

Today I’ve been listening to too much news, which makes for a heavy heart. Also, my body seems to be recognizing that my daughter has a birthday a week from today. I’m only a block away from the house I brought her home to after her birth, where she took her first steps and celebrated her first birthday. I miss her.

The Sun magazine

“Someone to tell it to is one of the fundamental needs of human beings.”— Miles Franklin, Sunbeams, July 2020

So thanks for reading. Frances

No Rush

Well of course the Dolphin is in the shop, getting the oil pan replaced due to an oil leak. It’s old, I love it. Should get it this afternoon and then be good to go. Since this weekend is 4th of July (another holiday I don’t care for, many dogs and war veterans don’t love it either) I’ll wait to start my journey back to Oregon next week. I plan to stock up on food, etc so the only stops I need to make are for gas and camping. It feels really important right now to social distance as much as possible. There are so many more people in Montana I’d love to see but socializing is just not a good idea.

The outdoors is undoubtably the best medicine for me. I do hope to take my time and enjoy it. There is no rush to get anywhere at this time.

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What would redemption look like?

Trump would not be reelected. Better yet, he somehow would be removed from office before the election. He would be charged with tax fraud, etc and sent to jail.

Police who have committed murder would be charged and sent to jail.

New programs would be put in place, people trained to actually help in difficult situations ie: dealing with a mental health issues, domestic violence and police would become less militarized.

Every state would offer vote by mail.

Racism would be understood and no longer be an issue.
Closed minds and hearts would open.

My daughter would come to understand that alcohol and past hurts caused me to act in ways I would never act now after years of recovery. I could hold her and tell her how very sorry I am for the times she did not feel safe.

She would realize that he father continued to make sexual advances towards me, after we were divorced and both re-married. He threatened me if I ever told anyone. He told me he would pay for her college education as agreed in our divorce. He didn’t pay. The divorce decree also, stated he would pay me back part of the money I used from my own finances to support us while he finished college. He never actually graduated from college, even though his father cracked a bottle of champagne because he thought his son had a degree. He never paid me back the money.

She would see that even though her step dad was a nice guy and good dad to her, he cheated on his first wife and cheated on me 3 times. He belittled me behind closed doors. Somehow he made it look as though I was the one breaking up our marriage. Closed minds and hearts would open.

The man who raped me would somehow be found out and found guilty.

What’s your redemption list?